Just watched a really good movie last night. A Korean film from 2007 called "I'm a Cyborg..but that's okay."

So in the film Young- Goon thinks she is a cyborg and well she tries to charge up her battery while at work by slitting her wrist, inserting a live wire inside the cut and plugging the wire into the socket. Well, her attempt to charge her battery and her refusal to eat land her in the best mental hospital ever.

Anyway, at one point during the film Young-Goon is advised by an imaginary voice that comes through her homemade radio that she must remember the REAL 7 deadly sins.

Those 7 deadly sins made me fall off my bed with laughter.

I swear my dad once gave me a list of rules to live by when I was 20 and these 7 deadly sins were listed on my dad's list as things that are not good.

Young-Goon's 7 Deadly Sins:
1. Sympathy
2. Being Sad
3. Restlessness
4. Hesitating about anything
5. Useless Daydreaming
6. Feeling Guilty
7. Thankfulness

Again, those 7 things are things that are sinful in Young-goon's world and there are reasons why those 7 things are bad and there are demonstrations of why they are bad.

I'm a cyborg...but that's okay. Good movie. Find it watch it before Hollywood decides to make a crappy American remake and ruin it.

The film has - acts of fantasy violence, crazy people, crazy people stealing food, crazy people stealing other people's sympathy, crazy people talking to vending machines and florescent lights and Stephen Colbert's nemesis Rain!

I mean the entire 4 verse song.

I have. That's the only way I learned it. Perhaps because I was a military brat and would hear the full song sung at times on the base while hanging out with my dad.

Most people know the first verse. Some people think that is the entire poem/song.
Seems everyone knows, except Jessica Simpson- who may have learned it phonically, the words to the first verse from memory.

"O say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?"

But has anyone other than me and a few other kids who remember the American Bicentennial Celebration and the pageants and stuff. I remember my elementary school put on a big pageant for Bicentennial and we kids had to learn and sing every patriotic song known to man. At least it seemed that way. We also recited patriotic poems and did an Osmond Show type variety dance. Every child dress entirely either in red, white or blue. We had a picture taken out on the playground field where we formed the American Flag.

So, anyway I remember having to sing 'The Star Spangled Banner' this way for many years. Then suddenly at public events it was sung with only the first verse. I just asked my sister and older brother about this and they both say they had to sing the entire thing for many years and often forget that its been abbreviated now. Funny thing is my siblings and I still going on singing the next verse. Well us and any older Military Vets standing near us, cause they know it too. Then usually you break out in massive applause because you remember the entire darn thing and because you're out of breathe.

So does anyone else recall sing the entire song as written by Francis Scott Key? All four verses?

Here's the lyrics -

The Star Spangled Banner

O say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro' the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watch'd, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof thro' the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

O thus be it ever when free-men shall stand
Between their lov'd home and the war's desolation;
Blest with vict'ry and peace, may the heav'n-rescued land
Praise the Pow'r that hath made and preserv'd us a nation!
Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: “In God is our trust!”
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

I also remember singing this entire song to...the entire damn thing, 'hanky panky' bit and all.

'You're a Grand Ole Flag' by George M. Cohen

You're a grand old flag,
You're a high flying flag,
And forever in peace may you wave.
You're the emblem of the land I love,
The home of the free and the brave.
Ev'ry heart beats true
'Neath the Red, White and Blue.
Where there's never a boast or a brag.
But should auld acquaintance be forgot,
Keep your eyes on the grand old flag!

(My school continued singing the remainder of these lyrics which go...)
There's a feeling comes a-stealing,
And it sets my brain a-reeling,
When I'm listening to the music of a military band.
Any tune like "Yankee Doodle"
Simply sets me off my noodle,
It's that patriotic something that no one can understand.

You're a grand old flag,
You're a high flying flag
And forever in peace may you wave.
You're the emblem of
The land I love.
The home of the free and the brave.
Ev'ry heart beats true
'neath the Red, White and Blue,
Where there's never a boast or brag.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
Keep your eye on the grand old flag.

I was just looking through this stuff my mom kept as mementos for when I was young. And I came across the program from our pageant. Complete with lyrics to the songs we sang. Hilarious how the memory works.

something really hard to understand on so many levels.

So I've been seeing a guy who is deaf (he hates the term hearing impaired).

He can't hear me but he's an excellent lip reader, so long as I remember to face him when I speak.

He signs, I don't. Forgot all the sign language I knew when I was 6 and took swim lesson from a deaf instructor.

He can't speak clearly but patience is a good thing because if you pay attention you can, what he does say especially when he says very loudly in a quiet movie theater "Bullsh*t!" like when we were watching Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull.

He's white, very tall, handsome and educated. Me, not white, 5'8, pretty and autodidact despite years in college.

Oh yeah, he's nearly ten years younger than I am. Ha! But I'm the goof who watches anime and cartoon network like it's CNN.

Bad thing about him being 10 years younger - he doesn't know have the music or songs I reference. So I have to take my CD collection over to his place and use his roommate/lazy brother's stereo and crank up the bass do the he can feel the music I'm talking to him about.

Oh, man does he hate Billy Idol. But now he loves Massive Attack and Tears for Fears.

Anyway, uggh...not sure why this even matters but he likes of all things love songs and I detest love songs. So we started this game he picks a song that has lyrics that describe how he feels or what he's thinking. And I do the same.

So he picked the song "Head over heels" and I thought he picked the Go-Go's song. Dating myself here. And no he emails mail the song he's referring to the Tears for Fears version.
So I answered in kind with a Tears for Fears song "Elemental".

This has been going on all day at least when he's not with a client. He googles a lyric then sends them to me and I laugh and send him some wholly unrelated off topic song.
He sends me the lyrics to some love song by Mariah Carey and I send him the lyrics to The Clashes "Lost in the Supermarket".
"I'm all lost in the supermarket
I can no longer shop happily
I came in here for that special offer
A guaranteed personality"

He LOLs but not really then responds with something funny but sweet like The Beatles "I wanna hold your hand". So I text but how will you sign then?

ROTFLMAO.

So I feel the need to go more outlandish so I respond with the lyrics to Korn's "Make Me Bad".
"I am watching the rise and fall of my salvation.
There's so much sh*t around me.
Such a lack of compassion.
I thought it would be all fun and games (would be fun and games).
Instead it's all the same (it's all the same).
I want something to do.
Need to feel the sickness in you.

All I'll do is look for you.
I know your fix, you need it to
Just to get some sort of attention, attention."

He had no clue what Korn felt like - so I had to go play the song for him tonight after dinner.

Let's just say he actually laughed out loud. Hilarious.

Absolutely hilarious. Good thing he's got a good sense of humor.

So last song tonight - I exposed him to New Order so he picks the song "Bizarre Love Triangle"
"Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say"

What will be on tomorrow's playlist?
Perhaps I'll rev him up with some Depeche Mode "Only When I Lose Myself"

It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
It's Only When I Lose Myself in someone else
Then I find myself
I find myself
Something beautiful is happening inside for me
Something sensual, it's full of fire and mystery
I feel hypnotized, I feel paralyzed
I have found heaven

There's a thousand reasons
Why I should not spent my time with you
For every reason not to be here I can think of two
Keep me hanging on
Feeling nothing's wrong
Inside your heaven

This guy is priceless. Humor, looks and he cannot hear me curse like a sailor.

I am numb. Been numb for a long time now, at least six months. Numb from dealing with my own illness and with the residual feelings of my parents and the numerous other catastrophic illnesses in my family.

Some reasons why I have become comfortably numb:

My mother died when I was 13 after having multiple BENIGN brain tumors. This had been going on since I was 4. (I'm emphasizing benign because most people think that all brain tumors are the same thing as brain cancer and that benign brain tumors are not as deadly as Malignant brain tumors or brain cancer. I assure you benign tumors can kill just as fast as cancerous ones.)

My dad was a hypochondriac when my mom developed her second large deadly BENIGN brain tumor. He constantly though he was dying, thought he was having heart attacks and strokes when nothing was wrong with him at all. Then after my mom died sure enough he had his first heart attack. Then another and another and then he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and then with Parkinson's Disease. Oh yeah he also developed a pituitary tumor somewhere along the way. He had had two quadruple bypasses to improve blood flow to his injured heart. Then he had a stroke immediately after the second bypass, which is not uncommon- to throw a blood clot during surgery and then suffer a stroke as a result. Then of all things he got a bladder infection from a catheter inserted at a VA hospital. Instead of treating him for the infection the VA doctors did nothing. They let the infection turn septic. They stopped giving my dad his prescribed medicine for Congestive Heart Failure and his Parkinson's meds. Worse yet they did not give him antibiotics to stop the infection they did not give him water and "forgot" to put in a feeding tube for two weeks. My dad's lungs started to fill with fluid, so did his heart. The VA doctor's said they couldn't understand why (perhaps it was the lack of treatment, water and food that was killing him). He got got water when his girlfriend or my sister was at the hospital, the rest of the time the nurses set the water across the room and he had no IV, no feeding tube even though we had given written formal legal permission for them to do so. My dad wanted the IV and feeding tube and didn't refuse them. Then my dad's heart beat starting getting erratically so they let an intern give him a massive dose of a medication to slow his heartbeat down. This was a medication that was contra-indicated for people with congestive heart failure and bypass surgery. This medication overdose administered via a painful long needle directly into my dad's heart stopped it from beating. He was fully conscious. He was panicked and frightened and knew that they had just killed him and there was nothing he could do be fade away. That was less than 10 years ago. (We know all of this because after my dad died the hospital waited to call my sister, when she got to the hospital she grabbed my dad's chart from the nurse's station and read it in detail and photocopied it. She ordered a full autopsy because the hospital tried to claim that my dad died from a sudden attack of his Parkinson's and yet they listed on his Death Certificate "Massive Urosepsis". To date the Long Beach VA Hospital has never filed the autopsy report with the LA County Coroner, who has made numerous requests for the report and his medical records.)

Two years prior to our dad dying, my sister had woken up at 4am to find her husband ice cold and dead beside her in their bed. He had had MS and died very suddenly of complications from the disease.

Let's see then two of my grandmother's became gravely ill. Neither was biologically my grandmother but still they were both my grandmother's, women who had married the same slick Irishman. One had developed dementia and serious heart problems. The other grandma she developed cancer and severe complication from diabetes but comically she chewed tobacco all her life - up to the day of her death. She was a cool Native American woman who had fought her way through leg cancer at 21 without losing her leg only to reach old age and get struck by a rapid secession of horrible illnesses after being healthy. Both died within a year of each other.

Then my grandfather, the dirty Irishman, died from sheer old age and randiness.

My mother's oldest sister who was 80 developed liver cancer which quickly spread to her lungs, and brain and she died in June of this year after being diagnosed in May of this year. But my Aunt did not regularly see a doctor and had been a smoker and alcoholic.

Then my dad's brother died this year on my dad's birthday. He had COPD or something like that. He was fine in June then took gravely ill in July.

Then my dad's baby sister suffered a serious catastrophic recurrence of her breast cancer. She had been in remission for 7 years then bam she didn't just have breast cancer, she had cancer everywhere. Her face, her scalp, her lungs and her breasts - everywhere. She died October 1st of this year.

So my sister has not been feeling well for over a year. And she's been having every imaginable blood test and diagnostic test that she and her doctor can think of. She went for her normal pap smear and mammogram in late September. The doctor felt nothing in her breast after an extensive exam but he ordered the standard mammogram. She had that three weeks ago. And the radiologist called and said it wasn't clear. Which was a lie, my sister is a RN and she can access her test results and she did. The radiologist said in the original report - "suspicious lump on the ribcage wall under the breast". Eh, my sister's been a RN for over 20 years, she knew what that meant. She went to our long time family doctor who just happens to now be Chief of Staff of her hospital and he read the report. He tried to calm her down and say it's was nothing but my sister has meet to many patients where the suspicious mass was nothing.

So the radiologist scheduled another MRI/x-ray for two weeks after the original. My sister couldn't handle waiting, neither could I. So our family doctor ordered the follow-up scans to be done STAT. They were done on Friday, just one week after the first. The doctor immediately got the result - yup a mass 1 to 1 1/2 inches in size against her ribcage under her breast.

The radiologist then told my sister she'd have to have a biopsy but that she wouldn't schedule one until November. Not good enough for my sister or her doctor. The needle biopsy was done on Monday of this week by the head of radiology not his staff. The radiology department said the pathology reports would take two weeks to be done. Nope, the Chief of Staff said STAT and rush the results to his computer by close of business Tuesday (yesterday). The doctor had told my sister he would do this and that she should just come to his office on Wednesday (today) and he'd read the results.

My sneaky sister, knowing that she could get the results herself went to the hospital last night and tried to access the pathology report. It was locked. All her results were locked and only the Chief of Staff (our family doctor) could view them. So she had to slink home without any info. But she called me suspecting that they were locked because it was cancer.

So today she was suppose to get ready to go do her shift at the hospital but before going to work stop at the doctor's office for the results. She went at 5:30pm and sat there for an hour. Our family doctor had the pathology tests run and re-run and was consulting with every other doctor he could think of before speaking with my sister. So around 6:30 he came out and told her what was what. Invasive Ductile Carcinoma. Her response "okay what's next."

Next - meet with the oncologist tomorrow, discuss and determine a game plan either lumpectomy or total mastectomy with reconstruction then on Monday the surgery is a go. Whatever will be done will be done on Monday. Then from there with the tumor out they decide whether she'll need radiation therapy and chemotherapy or just radiation.

We're ready.

Stupid cancer.

This has all happened very fast, thankfully. And I'm glad that the Susan G. Komen Foundation is around to offer advice on what to do and what happens next etc.

One of my friend's said the same thing I said to my sister to me. "I'm sorry."

Eh, yeah I know. But I'm numb. Been numb to death and serious illness for the last 23 years. I just take it in stride. Numb is not emotionless, numb is "of this is the normal state of my life therefore I don't go on emotional drags unless I feel I need to." I don't feel the need to.

So I asked my sister how she feels and she says "relieved. Relieved and numb." Then she starts bugging me to go get a mammogram and MRI now. Only as I explained to her I've have asked for the last 7 years for my doctor's to up the start date on my breast mammograms and MRIs but they say "Oh young women don't get breast cancer that often." And my favorite "did your mother have breast cancer? Or any of her sister's or her mom?"

Aw, doc my mom died at 48 from a massive brain tumor. I don't think she ever had a mammogram let alone a breast exam because the doctor's were focused on her head. My mom's sister's all had preemptive measures taken total hysterectomies when they were in their late 20s, early 30s and none of them have had breast cancer but some of them have a different mom from my mom. Only one of them has had cancer and it was massive and everywhere except strangely her breasts. As for my mom's mom she died in 1937 a month after my mom was born. Her family lives in the everglades of Florida because they're Seminole, hard to reach people who don't want to be reached.

Anyway, I always say to my doctor's since my families medical history is interrupted and incomplete wouldn't it be better to err on the very cautious side rather then to go by some silly schedule?

Yeah, that would make since but that would make more work for us. Hmm...I think it would make less.

This is a interesting year.

I love my sister. I'll be there to help her every step of the way as I have been all my life. How do I feel about her having breast cancer? Well, it;s not good but I hope that after she recovers she takes better more proactive care of her health. that she starts exercising and develops a steady healthy diet that doesn't include quarts of Haagen Daz for comfort. Maybe she could have an occasionally pint or half a pint but not the month 2 quarts during PMS.

Yup, I definitely weird and numb. No "I'm sorry's" or "my prayers are with your sister" because it'll be cool. My elderly Aunts are on the job. I'm an atheist so are my sister's sons and my sister is an ex-JW with no religious affiliation for the last 25 years. She believes in god like she also believes that Gremlins roam her house stealing her keys and wallet on a regular basis. She might like prayers but then again she might also like to be left alone so she can beat this disease and continue pestering her sons.

This has obliviously just turned into an aimless rambling. Me unloading my thoughts and putting them out in the world as usual.

Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I used to blindly hate and despise you Madonna. I thought you were talentless trash. I thought you were a woman who'd merely slept her way into the spotlight and that pissed me off to no end.

I hated you until my former employer offer me a deal I could not resist - floor seats to see your Blond Ambition Tour at the LA Sports Arena. I went as a skeptic of your talent and work ethic and left two and half hours later in awe of your talent, work ethic, creativity and drive. Since that day, the day that Tom Selleck sat in front of me during the entire concert, I have admired you for what you are; a talented, hardworking, devoted, ever-changing, autodidact strong woman. From twelve rows back in the center section I could see you sing while dancing full out (I could also see when your were choosing to lip-sync in order to perform a difficult dance routine). I could see the beads of sweat rolling down your face. I could see that seconds after putting on a new costumer it was drenched in sweat just like the previous costume. I could see when you fumbled a line in your own song or missed a dance move and got pissed off at yourself and tried even harder. You never give less than 100% and I thoroughly appreciated how hard you worked to entertain me and every other attendees.

Since that day I've been a full-on fan. I've made a point to save money for every concert tour you do, for every CD you put out. Yes you say some ridiculous things at times and adopt some laughable personas, however I know that you know that what you are doing is comical and you are laughing harder than your detractor.

Madonna, I admire you. I wish I had your drive to be exactly what I want to be. Your drive to work my arse off physically to have the hardest strongest female body that can just go and go and go.

And most of all I wish that sometimes I could get up on stage and entertain people the way you've entertained me during your last 5 tours.

I cannot wait to see you in Oakland in November. I cannot wait to feel the positive energy of my fellow fans in the crowd. I cannot wait to see your usual social commentary remix video. Just like during Re-Invention, Confessions, Drowned World and others you're new found desire to express your political opinion makes me giddy.

I cannot wait to see and feel the thumping bass beat of this "Get Stupid" Remix.

Oh what to wear. What to wear? I'm going classy this time, not casual. Gray sequin diaphanous mini dress, great heel and perhaps a hot stylish floppy hat. You inspire me to try harder.

I'm so excited!

I'm coming out of a major haze from a bad case of food poisoning last night which triggered a horrid migraine which had me wishing between vomiting from the food poisoning and the vertigo, nausea and extreme pain of the migraine wishing that I was dead or at least in a deep coma.

The I couldn't honestly remember where I heck I was let alone what day today is. BAD.
Luckily, when the vomiting from the food poisoning struck my trash can was right next to my bed or I'd be having my carpets cleaned this weekend. BAD or maybe good.

Then I called my supervisor this morning in-between hurling and visiting the bathroom via crawling on the floor because of the vertigo. I called him at 4am, I think, and rambled about vomiting and the big D and food poisoning and how my back hurt from doubling over vomiting then basically said "I don't think I'll be able to withstand come in because I cannot crawl there while holding a trash bag and wearing a diaper and hitting himself in the head with a sledgehammer to stop the migraine pain."

WTF?

Great message to leave for your supervisor. I know this is the message I left because I apparently accidentally hit the record button on my phone so it recorded my outgoing call. So I wake up from my food poisoned, migraine coma and see that I have a message on my phone.

So I hit play and listen...

Hey that sounds like me. Hey that sounds like me rambling then pausing to hurl then coughing and spurting and resuming rambling. HEY THAT IS ME!

The whole weird shake and bake of confusion and TMI that I left that message for my supervisor? Crap if I was him I would administer a drug test to me the moment I step foot in the office tomorrow. But he is or should be fully aware of the hand I've been dealt with regard to my neurological situation.

Today is one of those days when I try not to or try to avoid speaking or writing or reading or even listening because things coming out don't make sense and information going into my brain don't make sense.

Anyway, I just read my post on John McCain and his comments on Spain and their leader on the Citizen section and I am shocked that anyone I can read WTF I wrote. I used the wrong words and tenses - called South American instead on South America. Among other errors. Jeez Louise.

I think I know what I was trying to say but things are jumbled.

My brain is so messed up. It makes me wonder whether I should embark on my next journey of going to UC Berkeley to study Architecture. I know I can handle the design/drawing/proportion aspect, the building code aspect and probably even the mathematical aspect but I suspect that any papers I write will be darn near Leonardo-esque by accident not by choice.

If your not familiar Leonardo (Da Vinci to those who like to refer to him by the name of the city he was born instead of by his name) anyway he wrote his notes backwards and sometimes in code. He used what's called "mirror writing". His backward coded writing was intentional, my writing is not intentionally backward and or coded, it's just like my brain has decided to start running the wrong way.

Well, I did get happy news from two family members today - both work in the financial world. My oldest nephew who is a Senior Financial Adviser/Analyst for Merrill Lynch is absolutely secure in his job. Which is terrific because he's got another baby (his fourth) on the way and he was diagnosed with MS about 3 years ago (weirdly just like his dad before him) and he needs to maintain his high salary and benefits to ensure the future financial health and welfare of his family. And my brother-in-law's baby sister who is a Senior Vice-President of Acquisitions and Mergers with Lehman Brothers says she's been informed that her job is safe at least for the next three months because her division is making money hand over fist. My thought is maybe our nephew the big mucky mucky with Merrill Lynch now BofA that he can hire his aunt.

That's all for my randomness...maybe tomorrow will be a good day.

Oh wait FYI my food poisoning came from eating a VEGETARIAN SANDWICH! Third major case of food poisoning and all have been from Vegetarian dishes or fresh fruit. What the heck is up with that?

((How long did it take me to write this? Just over and hour and half because I had to re-read and re-read and re-read to try to have it make some sense. Damn you rebel brain!))