I am numb. Been numb for a long time now, at least six months. Numb from dealing with my own illness and with the residual feelings of my parents and the numerous other catastrophic illnesses in my family.

Some reasons why I have become comfortably numb:

My mother died when I was 13 after having multiple BENIGN brain tumors. This had been going on since I was 4. (I'm emphasizing benign because most people think that all brain tumors are the same thing as brain cancer and that benign brain tumors are not as deadly as Malignant brain tumors or brain cancer. I assure you benign tumors can kill just as fast as cancerous ones.)

My dad was a hypochondriac when my mom developed her second large deadly BENIGN brain tumor. He constantly though he was dying, thought he was having heart attacks and strokes when nothing was wrong with him at all. Then after my mom died sure enough he had his first heart attack. Then another and another and then he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and then with Parkinson's Disease. Oh yeah he also developed a pituitary tumor somewhere along the way. He had had two quadruple bypasses to improve blood flow to his injured heart. Then he had a stroke immediately after the second bypass, which is not uncommon- to throw a blood clot during surgery and then suffer a stroke as a result. Then of all things he got a bladder infection from a catheter inserted at a VA hospital. Instead of treating him for the infection the VA doctors did nothing. They let the infection turn septic. They stopped giving my dad his prescribed medicine for Congestive Heart Failure and his Parkinson's meds. Worse yet they did not give him antibiotics to stop the infection they did not give him water and "forgot" to put in a feeding tube for two weeks. My dad's lungs started to fill with fluid, so did his heart. The VA doctor's said they couldn't understand why (perhaps it was the lack of treatment, water and food that was killing him). He got got water when his girlfriend or my sister was at the hospital, the rest of the time the nurses set the water across the room and he had no IV, no feeding tube even though we had given written formal legal permission for them to do so. My dad wanted the IV and feeding tube and didn't refuse them. Then my dad's heart beat starting getting erratically so they let an intern give him a massive dose of a medication to slow his heartbeat down. This was a medication that was contra-indicated for people with congestive heart failure and bypass surgery. This medication overdose administered via a painful long needle directly into my dad's heart stopped it from beating. He was fully conscious. He was panicked and frightened and knew that they had just killed him and there was nothing he could do be fade away. That was less than 10 years ago. (We know all of this because after my dad died the hospital waited to call my sister, when she got to the hospital she grabbed my dad's chart from the nurse's station and read it in detail and photocopied it. She ordered a full autopsy because the hospital tried to claim that my dad died from a sudden attack of his Parkinson's and yet they listed on his Death Certificate "Massive Urosepsis". To date the Long Beach VA Hospital has never filed the autopsy report with the LA County Coroner, who has made numerous requests for the report and his medical records.)

Two years prior to our dad dying, my sister had woken up at 4am to find her husband ice cold and dead beside her in their bed. He had had MS and died very suddenly of complications from the disease.

Let's see then two of my grandmother's became gravely ill. Neither was biologically my grandmother but still they were both my grandmother's, women who had married the same slick Irishman. One had developed dementia and serious heart problems. The other grandma she developed cancer and severe complication from diabetes but comically she chewed tobacco all her life - up to the day of her death. She was a cool Native American woman who had fought her way through leg cancer at 21 without losing her leg only to reach old age and get struck by a rapid secession of horrible illnesses after being healthy. Both died within a year of each other.

Then my grandfather, the dirty Irishman, died from sheer old age and randiness.

My mother's oldest sister who was 80 developed liver cancer which quickly spread to her lungs, and brain and she died in June of this year after being diagnosed in May of this year. But my Aunt did not regularly see a doctor and had been a smoker and alcoholic.

Then my dad's brother died this year on my dad's birthday. He had COPD or something like that. He was fine in June then took gravely ill in July.

Then my dad's baby sister suffered a serious catastrophic recurrence of her breast cancer. She had been in remission for 7 years then bam she didn't just have breast cancer, she had cancer everywhere. Her face, her scalp, her lungs and her breasts - everywhere. She died October 1st of this year.

So my sister has not been feeling well for over a year. And she's been having every imaginable blood test and diagnostic test that she and her doctor can think of. She went for her normal pap smear and mammogram in late September. The doctor felt nothing in her breast after an extensive exam but he ordered the standard mammogram. She had that three weeks ago. And the radiologist called and said it wasn't clear. Which was a lie, my sister is a RN and she can access her test results and she did. The radiologist said in the original report - "suspicious lump on the ribcage wall under the breast". Eh, my sister's been a RN for over 20 years, she knew what that meant. She went to our long time family doctor who just happens to now be Chief of Staff of her hospital and he read the report. He tried to calm her down and say it's was nothing but my sister has meet to many patients where the suspicious mass was nothing.

So the radiologist scheduled another MRI/x-ray for two weeks after the original. My sister couldn't handle waiting, neither could I. So our family doctor ordered the follow-up scans to be done STAT. They were done on Friday, just one week after the first. The doctor immediately got the result - yup a mass 1 to 1 1/2 inches in size against her ribcage under her breast.

The radiologist then told my sister she'd have to have a biopsy but that she wouldn't schedule one until November. Not good enough for my sister or her doctor. The needle biopsy was done on Monday of this week by the head of radiology not his staff. The radiology department said the pathology reports would take two weeks to be done. Nope, the Chief of Staff said STAT and rush the results to his computer by close of business Tuesday (yesterday). The doctor had told my sister he would do this and that she should just come to his office on Wednesday (today) and he'd read the results.

My sneaky sister, knowing that she could get the results herself went to the hospital last night and tried to access the pathology report. It was locked. All her results were locked and only the Chief of Staff (our family doctor) could view them. So she had to slink home without any info. But she called me suspecting that they were locked because it was cancer.

So today she was suppose to get ready to go do her shift at the hospital but before going to work stop at the doctor's office for the results. She went at 5:30pm and sat there for an hour. Our family doctor had the pathology tests run and re-run and was consulting with every other doctor he could think of before speaking with my sister. So around 6:30 he came out and told her what was what. Invasive Ductile Carcinoma. Her response "okay what's next."

Next - meet with the oncologist tomorrow, discuss and determine a game plan either lumpectomy or total mastectomy with reconstruction then on Monday the surgery is a go. Whatever will be done will be done on Monday. Then from there with the tumor out they decide whether she'll need radiation therapy and chemotherapy or just radiation.

We're ready.

Stupid cancer.

This has all happened very fast, thankfully. And I'm glad that the Susan G. Komen Foundation is around to offer advice on what to do and what happens next etc.

One of my friend's said the same thing I said to my sister to me. "I'm sorry."

Eh, yeah I know. But I'm numb. Been numb to death and serious illness for the last 23 years. I just take it in stride. Numb is not emotionless, numb is "of this is the normal state of my life therefore I don't go on emotional drags unless I feel I need to." I don't feel the need to.

So I asked my sister how she feels and she says "relieved. Relieved and numb." Then she starts bugging me to go get a mammogram and MRI now. Only as I explained to her I've have asked for the last 7 years for my doctor's to up the start date on my breast mammograms and MRIs but they say "Oh young women don't get breast cancer that often." And my favorite "did your mother have breast cancer? Or any of her sister's or her mom?"

Aw, doc my mom died at 48 from a massive brain tumor. I don't think she ever had a mammogram let alone a breast exam because the doctor's were focused on her head. My mom's sister's all had preemptive measures taken total hysterectomies when they were in their late 20s, early 30s and none of them have had breast cancer but some of them have a different mom from my mom. Only one of them has had cancer and it was massive and everywhere except strangely her breasts. As for my mom's mom she died in 1937 a month after my mom was born. Her family lives in the everglades of Florida because they're Seminole, hard to reach people who don't want to be reached.

Anyway, I always say to my doctor's since my families medical history is interrupted and incomplete wouldn't it be better to err on the very cautious side rather then to go by some silly schedule?

Yeah, that would make since but that would make more work for us. Hmm...I think it would make less.

This is a interesting year.

I love my sister. I'll be there to help her every step of the way as I have been all my life. How do I feel about her having breast cancer? Well, it;s not good but I hope that after she recovers she takes better more proactive care of her health. that she starts exercising and develops a steady healthy diet that doesn't include quarts of Haagen Daz for comfort. Maybe she could have an occasionally pint or half a pint but not the month 2 quarts during PMS.

Yup, I definitely weird and numb. No "I'm sorry's" or "my prayers are with your sister" because it'll be cool. My elderly Aunts are on the job. I'm an atheist so are my sister's sons and my sister is an ex-JW with no religious affiliation for the last 25 years. She believes in god like she also believes that Gremlins roam her house stealing her keys and wallet on a regular basis. She might like prayers but then again she might also like to be left alone so she can beat this disease and continue pestering her sons.

This has obliviously just turned into an aimless rambling. Me unloading my thoughts and putting them out in the world as usual.

Happy Breast Cancer Awareness Month.